5 Years Ago...

Today is the 5 year anniversary of the death of my step-daughter, Korin. This will be a short post, I just really need the opportunity to share a few thoughts, not dwell on the past.

The past 5 years have been FULL of challenges and triumphs and although I think we've come to a place in our lives where we can settle into the situation, I cannot forget how difficult this will be for Kayva as she grows up.

Kayva, almost 6 years old, has none of her OWN memories of Korin but we are making a concerted and full-hearted effort to help her KNOW her Mom in what little way possible. Through pictures and stories, we are trying to build a relationship for her despite the fact that she will never have the opportunity to see her through her own lens.

She is doing amazing both in school and at home. She has friends, her teachers love her, she is idolized by her cousin Mackinley and she is learning a top rate speed. Kayva is resilient, strong, capable, intelligent, loving, and curious.

What I Worry About...

Kayva's curiosity brings questions and questions require answers, many of them difficult. I try to answer her questions honestly yet tactfully, focusing more on building  her knowledge of WHO Korin was, not just what happened to her.

A few things she's recently said resonate with me and continue to challenge me in my ability to provide her what she needs. We often talk about Korin being in heaven and that she is watching Kayva, proud of the little lady she is. I tried to explain to her that her Mom is looking down on here and would always be there for her. Kayva replied....No

"No, she's not because she died."

It was all I could do to hold back the tears, how do you respond to that? Nothing I can say could counter her argument.

Kayva also told me that she wished she was dead which initially sparked panic but actually made sense.  I asked her to explain what she meant and she simply stated, no tears involved...

"So I could meet her."

Last week we spent about an hour going through a box of old photos and memorabilia. Kayva was so excited about the pictures;  she wanted to take them all and keep them in her room.  We decided to leave most of them in the box so they wouldn't get lost or ruined and agreed that we would make her a photo book totally dedicated to her Mom.  Kayva has a special shelf in her room where she keeps all things related to Korin where she did put up a some of the pictures of Korin.  

My Hopes...

Overall, I'd say things are going smashingly well considering. There are moments when Kayva breaks down and cries. There is nothing we can say to make it go away.  I just hold Kayva and tell her it is okay to be sad and cry it out.  It is okay to be upset, it is okay to be mad.  It is okay to be confused, it is okay to ask questions.  Whatever she is feeling....IT IS OKAY, we'll get through it. I just hope that Korin is looking down with some approval, that SHE'S okay with the life we are trying to provide Kayva.