I lost my hair only a few weeks after starting my first chemotherapy treatment. Before starting treatment, my doctors gave me a pamphlet describing all the possible side effects. The one thing I was most concerned about was losing my hair...I don’t remember asking about anything else… being only 20 I was more terrified of looking like a freak than I was of being sick.

The doctors couldn’t confirm one way or another, some people lost their hair…some didn’t…I DID.

• Truth #1: You can FEEL it happening. Your hair just stops growing but still has to wiggle out of the follicle and you can feel it slowly happening. I went to a concert with my Aunt Mindy and as we were driving home, the window was open. I remember feeling my hair literally blow out of my head.
• Truth #2: You lose ALL your hair…yes, all…eyelashes and eyebrows too.
• Truth #3: You can pull it out in clumps and it doesn’t even hurt. I remember pulling out the first chunk like what the eff is happening?…and then I couldn’t stop. I compulsively pulled hair out in front of the mirror until I had multiple bald spots and my mom convinced me to shave it off. I wrote about what an amazing support my mom was in an earlier post,  you can read all about her here.
• Truth #4: Wigs SUCK!  They are hot and itchy and they don’t look real. Especially when you don’t have eyebrows or eyelashes…no one buys that that is your “real” hair.
• Truth #5: People can be insensitive assholes.
  • Getting gas one day, the clerk at the counter asked me, “Why in the world would you do that to your hair?” I said “I HAVE CANCER” and walked out.
  • Washing my hands in a public restroom, a women walked out and seeing only the back of me said, “O my God, are you a man?” I replied, “No, are you?” and walked out.
  • Driving down the street and a car full of punks yelled out their window, “Hey, it’s Sinead O’Connor!”
  • Renewing my driver’s license, filling out the physical feature info, I asked what I should put for hair color.  I had to explain that I had cancer and my hair was blonde before but had grown back brown once and fell out again. The person helping me asked me to wait and left to talk to someone. When he returned he told me that he wouldn’t be able to renew my license because they weren’t sure I was fit to drive. It took me the rest of the day and a note from my doctor but I eventually got my license.
• Truth #6: It can fall out AGAIN. My hair grew back once during my treatments. I was so relieved to ditch the wigs, bandanas and hats. And then it fell out again… I think losing it the 2nd time was more traumatizing than the 1st. It was a reminder that my battle wasn’t over.
• Truth #7: Going totally bald was liberating and one of the best choices I made while sick.  When my hair fell out the 2nd time it was summer and I couldn’t bear the thought of wearing a wig or hat everyday,  so out into the world I went…without either, making myself vulnerable to the stares and rude comments of others.
• Truth #8: Big earrings, lipstick and red nails helped me feel beautiful. Those moments were rare, I usually felt (and looked like) an alien but I tried to hold onto a small piece of “me.”
• Truth #9: My daughter made me feel even more beautiful. Only 3 then, she would brush my head and tell me I was pretty.
• Truth #10: Being bald builds character. I only wish I was as confident at the beginning of my journey as I was at the end. I think times have changed and people are more accepting, aware and understanding of people cancer but 20 years ago, that was not my experience. I would hope that if this happened to me today, I wouldn’t try to hide under a wig or hat. I wouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed. I’d let people know that I was still ME and that under our hair, we’re ALL bald!

“PEOPLE WILL STARE. MAKE IT WORTH THEIR WHILE.”

–Harry Winston