Dear Mom,

As I stumble through “motherhood” for a second time, I find myself frequently reminiscing about my childhood and reflecting on the person I was, and the person I have become.

Motherhood is DIFFICULT and FRUSTRATING and EXHAUSTING and I appreciate your efforts more now than ever. As a parent, I would not have wanted ME as a child. This Mother’s Day, I feel like I should apologize for some of my behavior. This is not a comprehensive list of mistakes, just a few I’m willing to share. So, here you go...

I apologize for.. claiming that I called you a “witch” when you know that’s not what I really called you.

I apologize for... flipping you off that day you told me to take out the garbage.

I apologize for... hiding that beer in between my mattress in middle school. Forcing me to drink every drop of that beer for breakfast was the best, and most creative, punishment.

I apologize for.. lying to you basically all the time.

I apologize for... skipping school, having my friend’s sister call me in, and then hiding when you came to her house to get me.

I apologize for.. almost failing English in middle school because I didn’t go to class for over a month.

I apologize for... getting pulled over for being drunk when I was 16 and then acting like YOU were the in the wrong for taking my keys away. I apologize for throwing a fit, moving out without while you were gone, and not talking to you for almost a year.

I apologize for... skipping my high school graduation. I don’t know if it bothered you but as a parent, I would have been crushed if my child skipped out on a such a monumental life event.

I apologize for... deciding to get married and have a child at 18. It was far from a well thought out decision. You supported me, put together a wedding and a baby shower. And then, after I realized what a disaster my life was, allowed me to move back in less than a year later. I remember asking you why you didn’t try to stop me, and you replied, “Would you have listened anyway?” Well played Mom.

I apologize for... being so consumed with my own life. I quit my 8 to 5 job, took a job at the prison working 12 hour nights and assumed you would take care of my daughter without considering how it would impact you.

I apologize for... moving your first, and at the time, only granddaughter out of state. Eight hours away, when she was 7 years old and when you had been one of her primary care takers her entire life. I made that decision without thinking about how it would impact her, or you.

Much of my behavior as a teenager teetered on the edge of atrocious. Thank you for holding me accountable for my actions. There was absolutely no wiggle room when I got in trouble, you never “gave in” to make me feel better. This is something that I have struggled with as a mother, and grandmother. I know that I haven’t done anyone any favors by trying to make life easy.

You always role modeled hard work, sacrifice, and perseverance. You shamelessly figured out how to pay bills and take care of us alone, despite not having the education and work experience that is needed. At any expense, you made sure that we lived free of worry or fear. You have supported every decision I’ve made. You’ve never meddled in my relationships. You have never questioned my choices nor criticized my parenting. You have been my biggest fan and my best friend.

I love and miss you. Happy Mother’s Day!

Tawnya